by Julia Bellerby from Talktoacounsellor.co.uk

We all know people who give off an aura of feeling good about themselves. They may not be the most attractive, clever, rich or successful but there’s something about the way they come across that makes us think, “I’d like a bit of that”. They’re self-assured without being arrogant.

Self image is how we think about ourselves; how we evaluate ourselves. It’s subjective, not objective. You can measure some of your personal details: annual salary, number of children, colour of hair, weight. But the way we think about ourselves can’t be measured in the same way and is often bound up with our past. It may go all the way back to childhood.

Check the following statements to find out whether your self-image may be negatively affected by the past:

·        I was criticised for not doing well enough – by family or teachers

·        I felt I wasn’t doing well enough, even if I wasn’t criticised

·        I was seldom/never told I looked lovely, as a child or teenager

·        I was bullied at school

·        I was seldom/never told I was loved, as a child

·        I couldn’t share my feelings with my parents

·        I struggled to make friends

·        I was told by parents or peers that I needed to lose weight

·        I felt I needed to lose weight, even through no-one said so

·        I felt an outsider at school

·        I’ve been dreadfully hurt in past relationships

·        I went through traumatic experiences as I grew up (such as abuse or bereavement)

·        My parent/s had problems as I grew up (such as depression, alcohol abuse, affairs, overwork)

These sorts of experiences can lead to negative automatic thinking.

Let me give you an example: Paula’s job was sorting out insurance claims over the phone. Customers were sometimes rude and she really struggled with this. Sometimes she ended up in tears. Her supervisor told her she’d need to toughen up but this made her even more upset. When she came to see me for counselling we analysed what she found so upsetting. I asked her whether the wobbly, insecure feeling she had when a customer was rude, was familiar to her.

“Oh yes”, she replied, “I feel like I’m nine years old again and I can’t understand my maths homework. My maths teacher’s shouting at me and I feel stupid”. The memories of the past were infiltrating Paula’s current work situation and stopping her from coping rationally. Her self-image was negatively affected by what went on twenty-odd years ago. Now let me show you a technique used by TalktoaCounsellor.co.uk. You can use the same technique that successfully helped Paula.

First identify the problem. Be specific.  In Paula’s case it was

“I get irrationally upset with angry customers”

Then divide a piece of paper into two, vertically. Label the left hand side “negative automatic thought”. Label the right hand side “positive challenge”. Then start challenging each negative thought with a positive one. Here’s how Paula did hers:

Negative Automatic Thought

·        The customer thinks I’m stupid

·        I feel so upset when someone gets cross with me

·        Once my tears start I can’t control them

·        I’m not doing well enough and I’m going to get the sack

Positive Challenge

·        The company wouldn’t have taken me on to do this job if I were stupid

·        I’ve worked out that some of this is connected with feeling stupid at school. I haven’t been at school for 20 years. It’s time to move on! Customers are just cross – they’re not cross with me personally.

·        I can distract myself from getting emotional. I’ll keep this list with me, I’ll get up and have a short break, I’ll text my boyfriend. All these things make me feel better

·        My last appraisal was pretty good. Some of this is poor self-image brought about by what happened at school. That was then and this is now. I’m not the same person that found maths so hard when I was 9 yrs old.

Try this technique with your problem areas, keep reinforcing it and watch the strength of that negative thinking ebb away.