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Tips for Talking to Teens
By: Helen Evans
Tips for Talking to Teens
DeborahPriceConsulting.com
Tips provided by Helen Evans.
Helen combines being a mother of 3 with her career as an NLP
practitioner and life coach. If you would like information on Helen's
parenting courses then please contact her via her email:
helen@deborahpriceconsulting.com
1. Who is Helping?
Close your eyes for a moment and think back to when you were a teenager. What helped you through your emotionally difficult times? My memories are having a Saturday job, keeping a diary, stroking my cat, talking to my mates, going out to youth club and NOT being with my parents. Our job as recognizable chief carer and being at the centre of our children’s world is often over by the time they reach 12. We are still chief cook and bottle washer but in THEIR mind we may not be as important as we might like to think we are – for the time being! Acknowledge those feelings, in you and in them. We can act as a consultant but bear in mind as with all consultants our advice is not always acted upon.
2. Take Time for Yourself
If you are always feeling overworked, under appreciated, taken for granted, overweight, unfit etc you will not be able to provide the necessary energy, patience and dedication that it takes to become a more successful parent. Make time for yourself and your partner, both as individuals and as a couple. You will feel revitalized, refreshed, energized and much more ready and able to tackle the very often challenging issues your young adults are presenting you with.
Take time to read that book you’ve been planning to – indulge yourself with 30 minutes of daytime reading on the sofa with a cup of tea.
Take time out for a long walk, go for a swim, book a horse ride.
Take time out to visit an exhibition.
Have lunch or dinner with your girlfriends.
Have a long soak in the bath with a face pack.
3. Acknowledging feelings
Separate the deed from the doer and acknowledge the feelings behind the behaviour. Imagine for a moment that you were constantly told you were “a lazy little sh..” or a “foul mouthed lout”. You would probably be inclined over time to give up studying /helping around the house and use bad language all the time. To help re-create an atmosphere of respect change the language pattern, remaining neutral and describe what is happening rather than labelling the teen ‘doing’ the behaviour. For example:
“It sounds like you are really angry – I want to hear about it when we have both calmed down”
“When you swear, I feel upset and I can’t hear what you really want. Can you say it another way?”
“It looks like the coursework is piling up, what could I do to help you get it done?”
“I’ve noticed that you haven’t picked your clothes up all week. You look tired and down."
“It’s upsetting for me to come from work and find the kitchen surfaces covered with dirty plates when I’d like to get on with dinner. I need your help so how can we work this out?”
“Mmm, you’re slamming a lot of doors. That sounds as if you are really angry about something?”
4. Catch them being good!
It’s so easy to tot up the negatives when you’re around teenagers but how often do we praise our kids even if what they are doing is expected of them? If you have done a good job at work, (you’re expected to after all), but it never gets acknowledged how does it make you feel? Unappreciated, taken for granted, feeling why should you bother as nobody notices? Recognise your teens will value that they have been praised rather than ignored:-
“Thanks so much for emptying the dishwasher”
“Thanks, it really helps me out when you walk the dog”
“Thank you for being polite in front of my friends – they thought you were delightful”
“I really enjoyed being with you today - You were great fun”
5. Listening Picture the scene:
You’ve had a hard day at work, the chicken is burning, the potatoes are boiling over, the vegetables are in the sink just waiting to be peeled AND your mother’s just phoned to say she’s coming up at the weekend. The kids could have brought the washing in when they got home from school, but didn’t, and now it’s raining. Quite frankly, you are frazzled!
“MUM I need a note; I haven’t finished my science project on time”! (in a whingey whiney demanding tone of voice).
“Well, you’ve only yourself to blame…. if you’d done it on time …………you’ll never get a good grade now….” Blame criticise and prophesize, (in a frazzled, distracted and I haven’t got time for this nonsense now tone of voice).
“Oh what do you care!” Slams kitchen door, slams bedroom door, turns music on REALLY loud.
“Don’t slam the .... doors and turn the music down!”
A full scale blazing row erupts, more doors are slammed and everyone is miserable.
Alternatively: Same scenario …
“MUM I need a note; I haven’t finished my science project on time.” (Same voice)
Turn chicken off, turn potatoes down.
“Oh …I imagine that may be a bit of a worry for you. I’m a bit busy right now AND if you gave me a hand in the kitchen it would give us time to talk about your project later and I can write your note once we’ve had a chance to discuss it”. (In a calm, I’m in control and I still love you even though you’ve seriously mucked up your coursework deadline tone of voice).
“OK, I’ll lay the table if you like”
Using the word AND instead of BUT is a good NLP tip. AND is a positive moving forward word showing that you are in agreement with what is being said AND have some input to invest. BUT is a very negative word, often associated with “I may hear you but I don’t agree and am going to insist you do things my way”.
I acknowledge it may not always be as idealistic and as simple as all that, however if you do stop, look and listen you may realize that you are having a conversation instead of a row. Often when you stop and listen, what is actually being said is not what is meant at all. In the case of the missed deadline your son or daughter is quite likely to be really worried about the consequences and is looking for some reassurance and help, but too proud and embarrassed to actually ask for help. The aggressive demand for a note channels the anxiety into a situation, unless it’s caught early enough, for expressing the anger with themselves for getting into the situation in the first place.
DeborahPriceConsulting.com
Tips provided by Helen Evans. Helen combines being a mother of 3 with her career as an NLP practitioner and life coach. If you would like information on Helen's parenting courses then please contact her via her email:
helen@deborahpriceconsulting.com
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